Poem 38c

Context for the title:

In an effort to write poetry and not get distracted, I began writing my poems with no title and no date. I just wrote the poem. It was so imperative that I just get the words down on paper, that I only wrote poems. Instead of titles, some of my poems will have a number (and maybe a letter) that I have added retroactively.

Poem 38c

Today is another day I do not want to be alive

The burden of staying alive is too great

Eat the right food at the right times 

Or your brain won’t fucking function

Drink more water than humanly possible

Shower the outer layer

Brush the mouth bones 

Cover the skin with the appropriate clothes

If you don’t do it right you’ll get criticized

Do everything right all the time 

According to everyone’s moving expectations

If you don’t you get shame

Be happy enough so the fragile ones will leave you alone 

Even though there is no happiness to be found

For they stripped it from you

Get a good job

Go every day

Improve every day

No improvement is failure

Get better

Be better

Do everything they want you to do

Be nothing they don’t want you to be

Be better

Be smaller

Be less you

Be more 

But not too much more

We expect better from you

You offended someone 

Again

Why can’t you be like everyone else?

It’s not that hard

To meet all of our standards

You’re supposed to raise the bar

They don’t want a human being 

Being human all over everyone else

They want a machine but they got me

A series of misfortunes and catastrophes

This place, existence,

Doesn’t have space for me 

Or the waves I create

Just from fucking waking up

I am too much

I am too loud

I am too talkative

Too confrontational

I am too sensitive

I am rude

I am careless

I am forgetful

I must be a fool

I'm too emotional

I'm too caring

Too empathetic

It’s pathetic

I am too compassionate

I take things too seriously

I’m never serious

Today is another day I do not want to live

I hate myself